"Sorry." Pause. "Sorry, I don't mean to keep saying sorry."
- Quoted from my every day life
Confession: This blog posted started because I wanted to write a blog post apologizing for not updating the blog often enough.
I am not the first person to say sorry too often and I won't be the last. Perhaps, it is my desire to make sure people are happy that I turn to apologizing so frequently. I mainly do this when I feel I have disappointed them in some way or perhaps hurt them.
Apologizing is good.
But it can get out of hand.
More than that I fear it becomes meaningless the more I say it and for that I am sorry (couldn't stop myself). Sometimes I find myself apologizing the more I get close to someone and come to care for them. I want to keep them happy and I feel like I am constantly failing them. It's hard to put words to the feeling I get when I feel I have been less than perfect company, when the food I cooked wasn't amazing etc. I need to say the word...all the while knowing how annoying it can be. Sometimes I stop myself but mostly I feel I cannot.
My apologetic nature gets in my way constantly. I begin to think I am not worthy. How could I apply for that job? How could I think I could ever do X? It goes hand in hand with wanting to be perfect (spoiler alert: it will never happen).
Basically, it can become crippling. It took me a while to admit it to myself how damaging it was becoming in my life.
You go from merely apologizing to feeling guilt and obsessing over your every action.
Don't get me wrong - this isn't how I feel all the time but I do get those moments when I find myself doing this. It's hard but I have to take a breath and tell myself to stop.
Confession: Apologizing is the way I express fear.
As if this wasn't already clear but it's something I've come to realize recently (after some introspection).
I am afraid of disappointing someone and this is especially true when it comes to publishing books. It's hard to ignore the less than complimentary comments, just as it was hard to write the book itself. I find myself wanting to apologize for my failings over and over again.
But then I don't...
I love writing, I don't want to stop and I don't want to admit defeat because I started writing believing that if even one person likes my book then that's enough for me. So on I go despite the fear I feel. Negativity will always drown out positivity...if you let it.
Confession: I dream of being a cold-hearted B***
One of the movies on my 'guilty pleasure' list is the Devil Wears Prada.
So while I might be apologizing to you, there is also a chance I might be imagining myself as Miranda and telling you to "Just...
Spoiler alert: I was never the bully growing up but I sometimes wished I had the nerve to stand up to them.
Funnily enough, it was also my fear of being seen as 'mean' that also led me down the path to chronically apologizing.
On a happier note, with age I have definitely gained the confidence to shrug things off. Who cares what Jane Doe thinks? Though this is harder to do when you actually care that person's opinions (aka a close friend or parent).
Feel free to leave comments & share your own stories in the comments.